"I WAS ONLY OFFERING SOME CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM."

Frequently, people come to me after they have greatly damaged a friendship by hurting and offending their friend, and after telling me how they have criticized something about their friend, they explain "But I was only offering some constructive criticism." Sometimes such criticism is intended to be constructive. Sometimes it is simply a thoughtless person's comments to another person, without concern for person's feelings. And sometimes "constructive criticism" is just downright meanness, being offered for the express purpose of hurting or humiliating someone. I read an article recently in which a reputable psychologist suggested that, even when your intentions are truly for the good of another person, in offering constructive criticism, "you do it the way porcupines make love: very, very carefully."

THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING MUST BE EARNED, EVEN IF YOUR ADVICE IS TRULY CONSTRUCTIVE IN NATURE. Before you are entitled to interfere with another person's life, the way he does things, the way he acts, or the way he is, you must demonstrate your own love and esteem for that person. This is accomplished through love and kindness, thoughtfulness and human warmeth. When this kind of relationship has been established and your motives have been faithfully proved, MAYBE you will be allowed the privilege of constructive criticism without the fear of losing or hurting a friend.

But don't friends have to be honest with one another? One woman walks into the home of another, and says, "Your house has a peculiar odor. You should air it out." Or a man says to his wife, "I don't want to be mean, honey, but you are really showing your age lately." That may be honesty, but what a price to pay for it. HONESTY WHICH DOES NOT HAVE THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHER PEOPLE AT HEART IS A CRUEL HONESTY. No one wants or needs it.

What the people around us both want and need is love, warmth, and understanding, a little thoughtfulness, a little tenderness, a little kindness. Quiet criticism may occasionally be in order; but forbearance, patience, love are always in order.